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The Carnegie Endowment and Noah's Ark
The Santa Clara Board of Supervisors' assumption of divine right in the case of the Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching reminds Bienvenido Macario of a historical precedent. The Foundation and Stanford University will sympathize with Noah:
NOAH'S ARK ... IF IT HAPPENED TODAY
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for the Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints."
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping... And there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. "
"Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. Also I was told that the Ark must have lifeboats, in case it hit an iceberg and sink. I told it's your boat, not the satanic, I mean, Titanic."
"Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance exception report from the city planning commission. " (sounds familiar?)
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. "
"I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Commission that I need the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. "
"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labour Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. They are doing the macarena every once in awhile. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat and still You won't spot no spotted owls."
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to my taking only two of each kind. They also want the 'third kind' of both sexes included."
"Another group was demanding that I build accommodations for the physically handicap animals. I don't even know where to put the tons of fertilizer the animals will be dumping."
"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. The impact statement must be preceeded by a full blown environmental impact study. This will take months as I have to watch an entire year cycle!"
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. That was easy."
"Then there's the regional water quality control board. It's about flood water afterall. They are concerned about the quality of water we will carry and drink and the toxicity of the floodwaters as well. I promised to send them samples as soon the flood begins and every so often of the duration of the entire flood. The health department was in hand as well."
"I cannot begin to tell you how furious the Department of Real Estate was when I told them about your plan to put the terra firma underwater."
"The only nice words I got were from the Save the Whale movement."
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire."
"At the same time, the INS people was breathing down on my neck check to see if there will be any illegal aliens work on the Ark!"
"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I was told they'll put a lien on Your Ark and if I don't pay in time, they'll sell it at auction with the animals probably going to Barnum & Bailey or Roy and Seigfried."
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly.
"The government already has."
Noah gave a sigh of relief.
Then the Lord continued. " Noah, guess what?"
"Oh Lord, what is it?" Noah asked.
"You were so good in handling the building of the Ark, I will make you a lawyer!"
This explains why during the time of Moses, events were so spontaneous and on an emergency mode like the parting of the Red Sea. The fact is that the Egyptians were hot on their trail.
If Moses is to do the parting of the Red Sea and other stunts, it'll be twice the miracles for He would have to file an awful lot of paperwork with government offices from A to Z.
Ronald Hilton - 4/10/01