Hilton Withdraws from Presidential Race!

     Stanford, CA (NAP 2/7): At a crowded press conference, Ronald Hilton announced that he was withdrawing as Wugwump candidate for the presidency of the United States. He was asked to explain this decision, which changes the whole political picture. He explained that he was shocked by the Supreme Court's decision that money was a form of free speech. This was to confuse democracy with a corporation, in which the owner of one share has one vote, one with 1,000 shares 1,000 votes.
     He had been approached by several fat cats, but he turned them down. They purred just like a fat cat his family had when he was a child. When no one was looking, the cat used its claws to pry open the wires of the cage in which the family's prize songbird was kept and ate it. Since then he has never trusted cats.
     He was tired of the insults. When he spoke of international cooperation, some Hoover colleagues called him a Roosevelt Republican. He was forced to admit that he had known Nelson Rockefeller. He spends long days studying world affairs but lacks the assurance of other candidates who spend all their time talking, not reading, and yet have firm convictions on national and international affairs.
     He was tired of the stump speeches, including "the people of (fill in the name of the state) are good, and therefore will vote for me", whereas they are sinners like the rest of humanity. He was especially struck by a speech made in a crowded Nevada casino in which the candidate said "I found god in this casino, and I pledge to cut taxes because people know better than government how to spend their money." He was showered with chips and checks.
     Charged by one cheeky reporter that he was dropping out because he did not want to campaign in New Hampshire in January, Hilton defended himself by saying that it was incredibly unsanitary to force candidates to go from the freezing outdoors into overheated, crowded halls and hug people and shake hands at the peak of the flu season. TV reporters retorted that they were forced to report from the freezing outdoors, since their bosses thought that it heightened realism and boosted ratings. Hilton thought the Roman salute more sanitary, but it had become discredited by the fascists. The height of folly came when Franklin D. Roosevelt moved inauguration day forward to cut the throat of Hoover's lame duck, so now the ceremony takes place in Washington's coldest month. Following it, many of those lining the streets take to bed with severe colds or worse.
     Knowing the value of an endorsement by Hilton, reporters pressed him to say which candidate he would now support. He climbed silently back into his barrel.

Ronald Hilton - 2/6/00